poem #13
January 3, 2021
i know what burns within those pages, i know the secrets that you hide. i know the pain that follows ages, i know what lurks inside.
i know what burns within those pages, i know the secrets that you hide. i know the pain that follows ages, i know what lurks inside.
she said, they tell you they pay you to leave. then she laughed - they always leave first.
a glittering container of crystal and mottled mirrors. an exquisite dome built around me. i spin in circles and you show me how to dance until you drop my hand and smile before walking away. just leave. i - must - get - out. what can i use to smash through? you take me by the hand once more and we dance in circles across the mirrored floor.
my great, great aunt wore canary diamonds that were said to be the size of gull's eggs. they decorated her hand like an ostentatious Christmas tree. she had an antique birdcage carved from ivory (or was it a doll's house?) that had been in the family for generations. she would rise before first light and be seated for breakfast by five o'clock sharp - never being late for morning mass. each day she would descend the grand staircase in her black silks and fine lace and float into the mahogany dining room. the long table was set as though for a banquet and her seat was at the far end. they served her bloody rare steak and grated raw carrots with a squeeze of lemon juice. these quirks only manifested after the tragic death of her daughter. "one of those mysterious fevers," my mother would recount. she had wanted to be a nun but had been forbidden that life. the death was God's punishment. my large family is peppered with eccentric widows of means. "the widows were the lucky ones in those days, many of the females had ended in asylums." discarded by greedy husbands and nefarious uncles. my mother was made to visit them. she never talked about it, aside to say it happened. before her death, she promised my mother the hand carved ivory birdcage (or dollhouse). my mother knew she would never see it. this always made me quietly outraged, believing she had suffered a great injustice. her feelings however, are quite different. something far more valuable had been gained in the form stories she could tell to me.
i balanced my notebook precariously on the edge of the tub. the day did not have enough hours - i do not believe in multi-tasking. do one job at a time and do it well. by my own standards, bath time was not gaining my full attention. i left my body to soak and wash itself. i had been late to everything that day. late for my morning walk. late to eat breakfast. late to turn on the washing machine and boil the kettle for tea. inspiration, unfortunately, keeps to his own time. like an unreliable lover who is known for cancelling engagements. you can sit and wait patiently but he will never arrive as planned. it's only ever when you're busy and your mind is occupied elsewhere - that is when he'll arrive and frantically ring on your doorbell. He's here. Drop everything.
the smell of bonfire hung thickly in the air like old velvet curtains. it was a cold night, like when you leave the freezer door open. the yellow diaphanous glow that flooded from windows was my only illumination, lighting the path ahead of a walk i know so well. people sitting atop their boats did not notice me. they smoked and played instruments and the aroma of piped tobacco filled my nostrils and comforted my senses.
like a forgotten museum, having remained hidden and undisturbed. i was stepping back in time. everything veiled in a misty film caused by years of damp. dozens of books and a variety of objects; pieces of furniture, remained exactly as left. my nose grew irritated and itched insatiably. the pungent, cellar like aroma - musty, rotten, damp. my tongue tasted the mould. the wooden floor felt spongy and bounced beneath my feet, a spring in every step as i walked inside. his desk as he left it. letters strewn, half written. in the corner, a framed photograph. so he did love, after all.
yesterday, i wandered down Regent's Canal. for hours i trailed the tapering paths led by the snaky twists and bends. sinewy lanes escorted by forget-me-nots, where water slapped rhythmically against the banks. how long i walked i could not say, it must have been at least a day. how is it possible that i have not meandered through these tracks before. until my freedom snatched away, has forced a need for me to stray, from the prison i call home and even though i walk alone aware the consequences of these strolls that they have started to impose for me and roaming rebels alike that we might one day appreciate, the precious freedom they can take.
are we zombies until caffeine? am i at least? my mind, it wonders and i start to think of a wandering mind. what would that look like, floating around? i imagine it contained, but why? that wet, spongy thing making soft, sloppy sounds. it requires a vessel - a jar perhaps. not unbound. not free. i ponder, would it be different to be judged by brains alone? no body. no face. no shapely skull. no encased mass. what would we appraise? by size, or weight? would it determine a lover's pick, or who they vote as president? the friends we make, the jobs we take, and even maybe the coffee we drink.
look at this hole found in the ground. so dark and deep without a sound. beholder beware and not fall in. nor walk towards it nor let it win. it will entice you you may feel safe, but it is deception and dark, empty space.