THREADS OF AN OLD LIFE

they told us to just

“go back”

like it was nothing

and everything was going

to be fine.

and it would all be

“normal.”

“let’s just get back,

y’know,

to the way things were.”

and what way is that,

exactly?

run into the ground.

weak.

exhausted.

completely burnt out.

although,

i did try

at first,

to simulate

a life vaguely resembling

the one I remembered.

gathering those

old threads

to weave

into something

new.

but the result was patchy

and threadbare.

what was once deemed

beautiful, now ugly.

something else was

mixed and woven

into my skin.

and the more i

resisted, the more it

pulled and tugged and

bled, as i refused to

accept the foreigner

that was squatting inside

me like a toad.

dark days realised.

but i needed

leverage to reach

the blue dome above.

and to land on jagged

rocks at the bottom is often

the only escape.

you can always look up

when you’re down

and witness the vast

expanse of

studded stars.

BROKEN PALACES

i walk towards broken palaces

like ivory towers

in the distance, castles covering the falling stars

that cascade onto crumbling sand dunes.

my heart it shatters like glass

but that doesn’t stop me from

running so fast towards you –

away from you

and into the dark forest where it is always

night but no moonlight

shines, only the illumination of

my soul that throws a glow

of enchanted curiosity.

what was it that led me here?

what was the spark that ignited

the fires? as the clouds gathered

overhead and turned silver

like swans.

what electricity travels through me

and who is even writing now?

if i stop the magic stops;

like water not flowing, rivers not running

and i know i’ll never stand still,

like a shark constantly swimming

to avoid dying,

and all the king’s horses,

and all the kings men,

could never put me back

together again.

and when it rains i cry

and it cries when i reign.

but i am no queen, like a pauper

i am

begging outside these stone walls that we built

pleading for your time

and your mercy.

poem #25

ivy part II

what was it that you said to me about the moon,
how it had the magnitude to capture our shadows?
were those the exact words that you used?
i can remember the story of the princess,
who became trapped in the moon's reflection
on the surface of the lake.
we each recall the story differently - 
you argue that she was a queen;
i do not think that it matters.

we wander into the forest.
the silence was uncomfortable;
i hesitate just for a moment.
you gently take my hand
and guide me from the path.
i will never find my way back.

the air is thick and pungent,
i'm suffocated.
i can taste wet soil; 
the stench of damp rot and decay.
'not much further,' you say.
i did not know you had a plan.

we came upon a well,
the crumbling stone;
overgrown with ivy.
i felt the wave of unease.
'look down it,' 
i did not hesitate to obey.
it's so deep, is there something down there?
you ask me to imagine falling in.
but that is a game i will not play.

i do not know at what point
you let go of my hand.
it must have been when i turned;
you had already gone.

poem #10

rare steaks and raw carrots

my great, great aunt wore canary diamonds
that were said to be the size of gull's eggs.
they decorated her hand like an ostentatious Christmas tree.
she had an antique birdcage carved from ivory
(or was it a doll's house?)
that had been in the family for generations.

she would rise before first light and 
be seated for breakfast by five o'clock sharp - 
never being late for morning mass.
each day she would descend the grand staircase
in her black silks and fine lace and
float into the mahogany dining room.
the long table was set as though for a banquet
and her seat was at the far end.
they served her bloody rare steak and
grated raw carrots with a squeeze of lemon juice.

these quirks only manifested 
after the tragic death of her daughter.
"one of those mysterious fevers," 
my mother would recount.
she had wanted to be a nun but
had been forbidden that life.
the death was God's punishment.

my large family is peppered with eccentric widows of means.
"the widows were the lucky ones in those days,
many of the females had ended in asylums."
discarded by greedy husbands and nefarious uncles.
my mother was made to visit them.
she never talked about it,
aside to say it happened.

before her death, she promised my mother the 
hand carved ivory birdcage (or dollhouse).
my mother knew she would never see it.
this always made me quietly outraged,
believing she had suffered a great injustice.
her feelings however, are quite different.
something far more valuable had been gained
in the form stories she could tell to me.


poem #4

the well

 look at this hole
 found in the ground.
 so dark and deep
 without a sound.
 beholder beware
 and not fall in.
 nor walk towards it
 nor let it win.
 it will entice you
 you may feel safe,
 but it is deception
 and dark, empty space.